Getting some thoughts out

There’s a mental mode that I’m still extracting from to power my workouts and exercises that comes from a place of self-punishment. There are times, like ropeflow, where the movements and exercises learned are from a place of meditation and self discovery. Those are moments of peace. Other times, doing it is out of habit, because I know that I should be doing something that is movement related. But most of my strength training comes from a place of ineptitude. So it’s somehow necessary to me to forge my body through steel, and take from this pit where I feel that I — am — not — enough, to fuel my workout.

To be honest, I’m tired of consistently pushing myself to be better. These days, I just sit and hope and wish to myself, wow it would be so great if I could just have a little more money. I don’t really want to work for it, so can somebody just give it to me? Seems pathetic to write out, but it’s true. The same with exercising. I don’t want to do it.

Sounds crazy right? Calvin, the young man who has seemingly made it his identity to be ubiquitous with health and fitness, to not want to be healthy or fit, or do any work that would improve his health, fitness, and strength.

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I have a fear of being uninspiring. Not uninspired — I believe that if I’m uninspired, I’m already too far disconnected from this world. There are so many happenings and amazing things occurring everyday for me to be uninspired.

There is however, this fear of being uninspiring. I suppose this thought is an extension of a truth that I have dawned upon yesterday. That I’m tired of consistently pushing myself. This sentiment had me thinking about my “why”.

Having a why is a powerful tool that gets us up every morning in order to make progress at the things we want and need in life. These days I’m starting to wonder if the mode I was operating under to achieve my “why” is still serving me. The way I would relentlessly be in pursuit of pushing my boundaries and “being better” had started becoming a parasite that would take more of my mental peace than it would give.

I think the parameters have changed. The world we live in today post-pandemic has shifted. Things may look the same — clothing, buildings, food, and whatever else observable, but things certainly don’t feel the same. Here I am trying to operate at full capacity when my current mental and spiritual state is half charged.

So going back to this sentiment of being afraid, of not inspiring other people: I think that fear is the voice of anxiety. Which begs the question, what is it that makes me anxious when I am not doing things that I think should be inspiring other people? At what point did I make that my unofficial job to be trying to do that? How much of social media plays into this? What is a sustainable way of trying to achieve a better version of myself, without the cost of burn out?